20 Lessons Learned From Marriage

shapes_004In this lovingly written post called 20 Lessons Learned From My Marriage, Christabel Zamor reflects on the lessons she learned from her marriage and subsequent divorce. The 20 things are tidbits she wish she knew before she got married. Her tips or lessons, range from sex to work life, to spiritual life. All the tips are insightful and thought-provoking. I’ve posted some below.

Sex is Very Important. Prioritize It.
Here’s the deal. If sex plays a big role in your fundamental chemistry together, you need to keep that part of your relationship alive and thriving. Period. Do whatever it takes to keep feeling fantastic about yourself so that you can show up in the bedroom emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Touch. A Lot.
Maintain healthy physical nurturing. Even if you have had a disagreement, make touch a point of connection which can bring you back into sync. This can mean snuggling up at night in bed, reaching to give an unexpected shoulder rub, reaching out to hold hands or long hugs heart-to-heart.

Create A Mission Statement.
Take time to identify in 1-2 sentences the purpose of your relationship and revisit the focus frequently. This can provide a unifying touchstone. Soon after my husband and I met each other we created this. We came upon a “wishing blanket” at Burning Man and pinned a note on the blanket which said, “May we co-create a relationship filled with joy, positivity and light which is meant to bring those things to others around us.” This simple statement became a bedrock of our shared mission together as a couple and an easy barometer to use to measure whether we were in or out of alignment.

Find Fun Ways To Grow Together.
It is common that partners evolve and change over time. Make an effort to find interests which you can share as you each grow to keep your connections alive. This may mean taking up brand new interests which neither of you ever cultivated independently, taking workshops together, attending new events together, traveling to learn together, etc. Intentionally look for ways to stay connected, especially if you have busy lives. And if you have a busy life, think about slowing down.

Stay True to Who You Really Are and Allow Your Partner To Do the Same.
Make time to do all the things which help you feel like YOU. Don’t compromise on this, make it happen. Whether it is a daily run or meditation, a fun hobby or event you love to attend. Make being happy your #1 priority so you can bring your joy back to the relationship to share. It is of vital importance to continue to nurture your sense of self as a separate person. Eat, speak and move in alignment with who you really are. Treat your partner like your best friend and support their choices.

Identify Self-Destructiveness.
There is a clear line between allowing your partner to be who they are and watching them slide into a pit of self-destruction. Speak openly at the outset about your ideas of well being and shared values so you can remind each other as friends later on. It is each partner’s responsibility see that a healing is needed and to want to heal. You can never heal your partner, but you can support them taking action to align themselves.

Educate Yourselves About Relationships
We study random material in educational institutes for decades, but what about the art of relationships? Make it a fun shared interest to learn as much as you can about the dynamics of partnership. Have conversations, attend talks, read articles, read books. Devote at least as much attention to learning about relationships as you do to learning about your physical health and food! If you can share an open and honest dialog, you can extend the life of your marriage. Check out these books: The Vortex, Conscious Loving, Loving What Is, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Read the rest of Christabel’s tips on her website, Light Bliss.

The Cute, The Quirky, The Asians

IMG_0035 (2)I’ve been absent from updating this site simply because that’s just the way it is right now. Hooping, hoop making, and generally hoopy things have taken my time. Here are three hoops I made for clients and a friend.

In the meantime, while I’m sorting out what the world needs and what makes people act dumb, please check out some of the sites on my blogroll. This week I suggest:

Idol Worship: Salvation for the Workshy Congregation [link]

The site is exactly as it says, a fun, quirky, SF-oriented website dedicated to entertaining (distracting) the desk jockeys of the world (unite!). In fact, because of them I found one of my new favorite sites, Asian Poses – The Definite Guide to Asian Poses. [link]

img-1193-poseThat site too, is exactly as it says, a guide to Asian poses. What are Asian poses you ask? And why you ask? Well Asians, particularly those invested in mainstream pop culture (think Japanese Idols), are notorious for their cute and quirky poses. Asian Poses is dedicated to documenting those poses and showing you how you can get your cute and quirky on.

I say it’s about time too. Too often, non-Asian cultures are have been limited to the dull “I’m only smiling in this picture” or “I’m showing my thug face” or the notorious out-of focus, “I’m too cool to act like I’m posing but I’m really posing” picture that became infamous on MySpace or for the females, “I’m posing for all the prisoners in cellblock four” or the “Check me out I could be a model right?” picture.

Now you and me and everybody has no excuses! In addition to writing about the poses, the site author also invites readers to send in their Asian poses through a pose challange. Check out this submission from their reader Samuel.


Check out their site to see more reader submissions and more poses. And check out this short video to see the 27 poses that have been written about so far. Continue reading

Dancing Fat Chicks and Frank Chu


Snapshot of me

Frank Chu is a strange guy and I don’t mean strange in a bad way.  I mean he is one of the many characters that creates the tapestry that makes the Bay Area what it is.

There are rumors of Chu taking his family hostage and having a standoff with police before assuming the character in glasses and with sign we now know him as.

And the guy showed up at an underground party I was hooping at — imagine that.

…   …   …   …   …

It was another Saturday afternoon that promised another Saturday night party full of friends. And that premise created another internal back-and-forth between leave the hoop or take the hoop to the party.

I had decided not take the hoop; since at this point in my hoop life, it feels like any time I take a hoop with me I have expectations projected onto me from the crowd. Plus there are the expectations I would be projecting on myself as a “hooper.” Better off to leave the hoop and the anxious mental back-and-forth that comes with it at home.

The Universe however, (or perhaps I was looking for an excuse) had different plans.

In a conversation with a friend about Röyksopp, I mentioned that one of my favorite songs to hoop to is by them. It’s called “Sparks,” its a beautiful dreamy downtempo song with a singer that makes me think of music from the 1920s.

This prompted my friend, The Captn’, who also was DJ’ing at the party to add this song to his DJ set list. And he told me to bring my hoop down. I could’ve not have, but a friend genuinely offered me a place in his set and it was awesome. I wouldn’t/couldn’t say no to that.

And so it began, “What do I wear?” “Oh my god, I haven’t hooped in a month!” “Shit my ass looks super fat.” “This outfit doesn’t support my tits, but it’s so cute” “Faux fur boot covers?”

With all that figured out and a fully charged hoop, I was on my way to the party.

It was a beautiful set-up, the party was pretty. There was an upstage area where dancers dressed in burlesque outfits were shakin’ it to the first DJ. I checked out more of the place and found friends around every corner.

After the ritual meet and greet, I went off to a corner to hoop and warm-up: out of the crowdview in the back of the venue space. I garnered some “oohs and aahs” while I was at it. When I finished, I saw that the dancers from the upstage were gone. “Ooh an opportunity,” my brain said. I eventually found the promoter of the party, pictured here with Frank Chu, and asked if I could hoop up there. She said, “Yes.”

Up to stage I go, navigating a narrow curvy staircase with my hoop in my hand. And then when I get up there, there is a dancer up there. Well I would hate to ask them to move and I just got up there so it would be lame to just go back down. I start dancing.


“Sparks” by Röyksopp. Slightly different then album version

Vodpod videos no longer available.


I’m shaking my arse, in my black faux fur boot covers, and black nightie. All my friends on the floor cheered! When I finish dancing, (I want to conserve energy for hooping ) I get so many positive comments from friends and strangers about what I just did.

“I didn’t know you could do that.”

“Eds your my hero”

The same story was repeated, “When I first looked up there, there was only this skinny chick, barely dancing. And then I look up there and see you up there shakin’ your ass, blowing that chick away.” What fantastic feedback. Mind you, I wasn’t dancing to show anyone off. I just like dancing in the spotlight.

After a bit of a wait, the stage has cleared and I am back up there, this time to hoop. It’s crazy. I haven’t even began to hoop yet and the crowd is a hootin n’ hollerin.  I dance with the hoop, do some isolations — the LED lights aren’t even on, and I get more love. Then I turn on the hoop’s lights and begin performing. I feel a wave of  dance induced spiritual energy coming at me. I always feel it when there is a great DJ, an awesome party atmosphere, and a crowd that’s into what you’re doing.

I’m dancing, I’m posing, I’m watching for the space limitations I got. I’m channeling my inner Gwen Stefani from her No Doubt days (Don’t Speak style). I’m showing my “girl balls.” It’s wicked fun. I give until I can. I’m absorbing the energy of the crowd and the music from a fantastic set by Bam of Evil Breaks.

I finally stop and turn off my hoop. I get such a cheer from the crowd that I must pay them some respect. They were awesome; I was Awesome (with a capital “A”); Bam was awesome, party was awesome. I bow-in to the crowd and leave the stage; Time to do some soft hooping to “Sparks” in the second room.


–xoxo q.c.



Hey. You want to hear the first DJ set? CLICK HERE

The Persistent Hooper 3

Have you read the first and second parts yet?


A tree grown in Berkeley

I'z dark person. Look at my deep picture

I couldn’t figure out the space I needed when I was hooping on my feet, there were too many things I was worried about hitting. So I kindly asked people to clear a small space around the platform I was on and I hooped on my knees. It totally worked! I rocked the platform on my knees, hooping on the waist and shoulders and rocking it around the neck. At some point I remember being on my back and foot hooping.

The fun part was the crowd though. Because when I went down on my knees (as a final resort from not being able to find my space on my feet) I could sense this collective gasp like “wow.” That’s right dammit, I was determined to get my hoop on and I did by any means necessary. *fist pump

Continue reading