In this lovingly written post called 20 Lessons Learned From My Marriage, Christabel Zamor reflects on the lessons she learned from her marriage and subsequent divorce. The 20 things are tidbits she wish she knew before she got married. Her tips or lessons, range from sex to work life, to spiritual life. All the tips are insightful and thought-provoking. I’ve posted some below.
Sex is Very Important. Prioritize It.
Here’s the deal. If sex plays a big role in your fundamental chemistry together, you need to keep that part of your relationship alive and thriving. Period. Do whatever it takes to keep feeling fantastic about yourself so that you can show up in the bedroom emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Touch. A Lot.
Maintain healthy physical nurturing. Even if you have had a disagreement, make touch a point of connection which can bring you back into sync. This can mean snuggling up at night in bed, reaching to give an unexpected shoulder rub, reaching out to hold hands or long hugs heart-to-heart.
Create A Mission Statement.
Take time to identify in 1-2 sentences the purpose of your relationship and revisit the focus frequently. This can provide a unifying touchstone. Soon after my husband and I met each other we created this. We came upon a “wishing blanket” at Burning Man and pinned a note on the blanket which said, “May we co-create a relationship filled with joy, positivity and light which is meant to bring those things to others around us.” This simple statement became a bedrock of our shared mission together as a couple and an easy barometer to use to measure whether we were in or out of alignment.
Find Fun Ways To Grow Together.
It is common that partners evolve and change over time. Make an effort to find interests which you can share as you each grow to keep your connections alive. This may mean taking up brand new interests which neither of you ever cultivated independently, taking workshops together, attending new events together, traveling to learn together, etc. Intentionally look for ways to stay connected, especially if you have busy lives. And if you have a busy life, think about slowing down.
Stay True to Who You Really Are and Allow Your Partner To Do the Same.
Make time to do all the things which help you feel like YOU. Don’t compromise on this, make it happen. Whether it is a daily run or meditation, a fun hobby or event you love to attend. Make being happy your #1 priority so you can bring your joy back to the relationship to share. It is of vital importance to continue to nurture your sense of self as a separate person. Eat, speak and move in alignment with who you really are. Treat your partner like your best friend and support their choices.
There is a clear line between allowing your partner to be who they are and watching them slide into a pit of self-destruction. Speak openly at the outset about your ideas of well being and shared values so you can remind each other as friends later on. It is each partner’s responsibility see that a healing is needed and to want to heal. You can never heal your partner, but you can support them taking action to align themselves.
Educate Yourselves About Relationships
We study random material in educational institutes for decades, but what about the art of relationships? Make it a fun shared interest to learn as much as you can about the dynamics of partnership. Have conversations, attend talks, read articles, read books. Devote at least as much attention to learning about relationships as you do to learning about your physical health and food! If you can share an open and honest dialog, you can extend the life of your marriage. Check out these books: The Vortex, Conscious Loving, Loving What Is, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Read the rest of Christabel’s tips on her website, Light Bliss.