AKA What men should have been taught in Dating 101
AKA If I have any shortcomings as a person, please blame me; not my vagina
Chapter 11: Even if you think of her as a woman, she might not
She might take the reins too often in bed, in conversation, in the types of things you do with your day. This is not because she is a pushy, aggressive personality. It is that she is a person, not a woman, in her mind.
I had to pull this quote from “22 Things a Woman With Asperger’s Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know” because it made me think, “Don’t all women think of themselves like this?”
I don’t quite know how to answer to my own question but the question does make me reflect on the self-knowledge I have about some straight males. There are a number of men who have made it abundantly clear they don’t understand that there are women in the world who think this way. This lack of understanding is especially apparent when it comes to intimate relationships and even more so if the relationship is going south.
The book “22 Things a Woman With Asperger’s Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know,” is a book that gives tips to those who want to be or are in a relationship with an Aspie woman. The crazy thing about all the tips in the book is, more than a few are as applicable to non-Aspie women as they are to Aspie women.
From the same chapter:
Ideas about gender roles
Gender roles and expectations come from societal norms and are imposed upon us. Some sprang from biological differences, but most seem to spring from illogical mindsets.
Ideas about a woman’s response to gender role pressures
She doesn’t understand society’s gender roles and may be unwilling or unable to conform to them. She has her own idea of personhood that has nothing to do with mainstream views of females. Even if she attempts to confom to that image, she aon’t obey traditional female roles or stereotypes for long.
Ideas about the foundations of relationships
your relationship is your relationship, not society’s, not your parents’, or your friends’, or anyone else’s. It’s a clean slate, to make of it what you will.
I will repeat the last line just to strenghthen the connection between that thought and the next thought I will write about. If this isn’t in Dating 101, then why not?
“your relationship is your relationship, not society’s, not your parents’, or your friends’, or anyone else’s. It’s a clean slate, to make of it what you will.:
It seems more often than not, men (women too I guess) tend to not bring a clean slate with them into their next relationship. It’s not just intricate mommy/daddy therapy issues, there’s some flat-out stereotyping about women being done in the dating world.
For example, instead of her being a loyal person who makes up her own mind about things, she is a naive dupe who surrounds herself with people who would lie to and manipulate her. Or instead of her being a straight shooter who says what she means and means what she says, of course she wants a deeper relationship with you; even though that’s not what was expressed by her. Or maybe she’s crying and angry and just in general frustrated with things but no, she’s concoting a scheme (throwing a tantrum) to get you to do what she wants.
Discrimination sucks. Makes you feel like less of a person, makes you feel like you have less choices in life. Which can be demoralizing and can cause resentment, anger and/or contempt.
The most annoying thing about this situation is, the relationship between genders doesn’t have to be this way.
With that said, if you feel that you are guilty of this, there is a way to correct the habit. Self-awareness and self-regulation are the greatest tools in correcting maladaptve behaviors.
Self-awareness is the ability to “take yourself as an object of attention.” You are able to “sit back and see” your actions as they are: Yes, I did that and I did this; and this is why I did that and this and maybe the reason I did this, this way, is because I allowed my sterotypes about your gender (ethnicity, sexuality, affliations, etc.) persuade the choices I made with you.
That is being self-aware.
Self-regulation, governing yourself with rules, is the thing that helps you not make those choices again. So you become self-aware, and become aware when a stereotype comes to mind. Being aware of that stereotype that is there, you decide if you want to act on it. Examine it, “Am I acting on a bias? Is there any possible way I could be wrong? Even if’ I am not wrong, will going down this road be productive? Am I okay with destroying something and perhaps never having a another chance to have it back in my life if I go down this road?”
Your answers are your own and you may be perfectly content with burning a bridge, that happens. But if you aren’t, in addition to examining thoughts, you also have the space to figure out what your next actions will be that support your new goal.
So what you can learn from an Aspie woman? A lot of things but one of the main things? How to treat a woman like a person.