Sapiosexual Is a Word? And Other Stories

So a curious word was in my Facebook feed today. The word was sapiosexual. “What’s this?” you ask. I’ll tell you.

Sapiosexual is “a behavior of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use.”

OMG right?

Basically it goes like this:

Me? I don’t care too much about the looks. I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay. I want someone who sometimes makes me go ouch due to their wit and evil sense of humor. I want someone that I can reach out and touch randomly. I want someone I can cuddle with. I decided this all means that I am sapiosexual.

I feel like this is …  has been the feelings of most people who have a bent towards rationality and logic; however,  never before has this abstract idea been laid out in such a concrete way. (By the way, the word sapiosexual is a neologism.)

And, as so often happens when you (or I at least) discover new knowledge, more intellectual knowledge/information in regards to intellectual love spewed forth. This time in the form of an old(ish) website post about “the needs of an INTP” spouse or mate. It definitely struck a chord with me. Maybe it will with you too.

Below is what I found,  a general gender-neutral statement about what an INTP mate needs. After the jump is what an INTP woman wrote about in regards to her INTP needs in a mate.




1. Lots of sex 
I dont think it is just me as an INTP who finds this a very important part of a relationship and the most important physical expression of love in a relationship – it is NOT a selfish act for selfish physical satisfaction. but hell, it is damn pleasing, too

2. Moral support 
It is a tough world out there for INTPs

3. An equal 
INTPs have no wish to dominate, and are crushed by domination

4. Someone who is next to unoffendable. 
INTPs tend to lack tact, but also want and need to be brutally honest with thier intimate partners – they want someone who they can playfully insult, who will then either laugh in thier face or give it right back.

5. Someone who can accept them for who they are and not try to change them. 
INTPs appear erratic to the casual observer in a relationship, for example – they appear to demand solitude one moment, sex the next. Non-INTPs find this VERY hard to reconcile with their typical conception of “love”

6. Someone who accepts the peculiar WAYS they show thier love. 
Be it really, really sappy hopless-romantic type drivel or passionate physical expression, or just a touch or a simple look. The INTP way is very hard to catch, if you blink, you miss it. Non-INTPs tend to want tokens and words, not a slow dance in a room with no radio, not a quiet cuddle in front of the TV at the end of the day, or the other strange and random expressions that INTPs tend to give. [This ties in with #5.]

7. SPACE [as in both physical and emotional space
In case it was missed, I’ll mention it again: SPACE!! INTP men need their free time to pursue intellectual pursuits, and CAN NOT be:
a.) disturbed 
b.) told they dont love thier partner because they spend too much time “alone”, etc. 
INTP men disappear for a while, then come out swinging. this FORCES most non-INTPs to think that the INTP partner only wants them for sex. This is wrong, but if the non-INTP is not capable of #5 and #6, they are forced to believe it.

8. Comforting. [this goes along with #2.]
The world sucks, particularly for INTPs. They are capable of an utterly staggering amount of patience and responsibility, but in the long run, without #2 and #8, the relationship will ultimately die, or the INTP will DIE a very real death. With #2 and #8, an INTP can take a spectacular amount of abuse, responsibility, and patience in life, as long as his partner supplies #2 and #8 in sufficient quantities.

9. An intellect. a person who can hold their own in a debate. 
The words “you always think you are right!!” are the LAST words an INTP wants to hear from their mate. The INTP wants debate! Wants intellectual stimulation! If they doesnt get it at home, #7 becomes very very very important. If their mate can not handle #7, there will be PROBLEMS. If the mate can supply #9, the INTP will be very happily occupied with their mate for a long, long time.

10. Someone to learn with. [This goes with #9]
Someone who is interested in learning and intellectual stimulation. The INTP needs someone who they can learn with and enjoy the mysteries and adventures of life with. Someone who can understand their interest in the esoteric, show appreciation for their interests, and even join them in these interests, or introduce them to new ones. 

11. Someone capable of self reflection and self analysis. 
Often the INTP finds that they are the only one “growing” in a relationship, the only one who can see the problems in the relationship. This usually forces the INTP to be the one to change, to be the one to compromise for their partner. Because many non-INTPs have no true ability to self reflect the non-INTP thinks they are ALWAYS right. The INTP spends their life examining themselves and their relationship to see what they need to do to make it work. So they spend all their time critically analyzing it, and the mate does nothing but demand that they change. This will eventually lead to the spiritual DEATH of the INTP, if not the actual PHYSICAL death of the INTP. To avoid this, the INTP person NEEDS a mate who can examine the relationship WITH them, so they can grow TOGETHER


1. Moral support
We don’t act as the conventional happy homemaker, but as the wife (our definition), parent, and informative supplier of knowledge and growth.

2. Someone who sees us as we see ourselves… 
You have not only accept our persona, but also embrace the person who we see ourselves as.

3. SPACE!!!
This too is a much desired attribute in a mate (we love reflection time…its so calming and it energizes us. )

4. Understanding
If we are so lenient I think that we should deserve the same. If I don’t want to do something at the exact moment they should try their best to understand as we have to do.

5. A Sweetheart
No I don’t mean a cruise that cost a million dollars. Or even that perfect outfit in the window. We don’t care about that. Sometimes we just want someone who will be creative and make the most of what they’ve got (i.e. The sexiest thing for me would be just spending time cuddling or talking about something or someone who wants me to hold his head and comfort him..followed with a little sex though.)

6. Lots of Sex
This one INTP men should love a lot (SEX). Something that I’m sure most INTP women really enjoy maybe almost as much as the men if not more. Usually we don’t express our feelings so sex is one way to let you men know that we appericate you!

7. Intelligence
An intelligent man (no I don’t mean someone with an impressive IQ). Just someone we can have a civilized and intelligent theoretical or real conversation with. You just can’t have good sex with a person as dumb as a crashdummie.

8. Eccentricity
Someone a little eccentric (quirky, kinky)This one is mainly my perception…Its very comforting to have someone as weird as you are.


11 thoughts on “Sapiosexual Is a Word? And Other Stories

  1. Wonderfully done! I so relate to this. I just learned the word today! I’m a proud INTP Sapiosexual. hurrah!

  2. I totally relate to the demands of a sapiosexual woman! Great post, found it while googling sapiosexuality. Loved it instantly!

    • There you go — me approving the comment, and BTW, BTW would imply you actually said more than would you reference me.

  3. Sapient – trying to appear wise. late 15c., from O.Fr. sapient, from L. sapientem (nom. sapiens), prp. of sapere “to taste, have taste, be wise,” from PIE root *sep- “to taste, perceive” (cf. O.S. an-sebban “to perceive, remark,” O.H.G. antseffen, O.E. sefa “mind, understanding, insight;” see sap (n.1)).

    It does not mean intelligent, like everyone thinks it does.

    Sexual is also the wrong suffix; it’s -philic for preference or -astic for behavior.

    Sapierastic is the correct structuring, and it means “to have sex with people who are pretending to be smart.”

    Seems to fit pretty well.

    • What fits well? The def to your new word or are you alluding to something else I’m not catching?

      I think when most PPL identify with the wordsapiosexual, they are sayig they want to be with someone who seems intelligent.

      What you are identifying is maybe a bitter or knowing, maybe unknowing at the time, person who has had sex with someone who was “pretending to be smart.”

      So yea, two different things: PPL who want to have sex with smart pool and those who have had sex with PPL who pretend to be smart.

      Anyhow, I’m sure your word will be investigated by those who care to see how correct you are with your submitted neologism.

    • I’m 50 years old and while I can’t say definitively that I am an INTP male, I can say I have many of the same attributes. Quite a discovery at my age and refreshing to know that I can learn more about myself regardless of my age or station in life. To put a finer point on this, I have always known a lot of these things about myself in some conscious and even subconscious ways, but until now have not set it to quite the specific terms as are laid out here. So thanks!

      On another note, if I may add my feeble opinion, I would think that either ‘sapiocentric’ or ‘sapiophilic’ might be more accurate in terms of defining our particular bent. While INTP’s declare that sex being important is still not the entire do-all and be-all of an INTP’s universe, they still seem to insist upon that ‘-sexual’ suffix, which, at least in my humble and perhaps simplistic view, would indicate that it is a bit more premiere than they would otherwise be willing to admit.

      ‘-centric’ being defined as “centered around” or “focused toward” and ‘-philic’ meaning “attracted to” or “drawn to”, then one might describe oneself as being “sapiocentric”, otherwise one might say of oneself, “I am a sapiophile”, or “I am sapiophilic in nature.”

      There’s my two cents worth, for what it’s worth. And I’d like my change back, please. 🙂

  4. what does being INTP have to do with sapiosexuality? I am ENTP and very much sapiosexual. I guess I just dont see the meyers-briggs connection and sapiosexual..

    and as for “John” up there…-philic usually goes with fetishes, and sexual goes with orientation. If someone has an obsession with intelligence they may be philic, but if they are only attracted to people who are intelligent it would be “sexual.” Such as bisexul – bi meaning 2 and sexual being orientation of sexuality.

    Also, Sapien means wise or judicial in latin. It also refers to the Human Mind (Homo Sapiens) I dont know where you got the “trying to be” part. Sapient actually means “Having great wisdom and discernment.”

    • You missed the point of having that bit in the post. The point is this too, this person writing about their INTP-ness is an interesting bit in the same vein of the sapiosexual coversation.

    • I think maybe they are just being subjective in pointing out that INTP’s are sapiosexual as well, but not necessarily dismissing the idea that ENTP’s are also. It’s probably just a perspective thing.

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