Understimulated


1 year and 10 months.

That is the amount of time I have been unemployed. It hasn’t been a horrible unemployment, and it wasn’t even welcomed; but I did accept it.

I took the advice of a friend and decided to apply to a job that would add to my current package of job skills. I like to learn, thank goodness, but man. This is what I have to say about the new job, the mentality of writers is different then the mentalities of people who write to attain web rankings.

So now, all the time I would spend looking for jobs is available. I definitely feel like I should keep looking for work though, something about the economy. Something about the instability that is inherent all business now. And what I mean by that is, seems like most companies do no understand the idea of keeping an employee long-term or even the idea of creating long-term profits.

….

So with the time I do have, I’m a bit a twitter. In my time of unemployment, I’ve learned to manage my home to a point that most things remain stabilized: no crazy kitchen (but sometimes the bathroom), decent with being neat and putting stuff away, grocery shopping and cooking do happen. But after that, dunno.

I happen to be connected to a lot of people which opens me up to a lot of opportunities to party/socialize. Being unemployed gave me an opportunity to step back from this and realize that almost none of the things I did on a weekly basis were as filling as they used to be. So I started only going to things, most of time, that were fulfilling to me. What is/was really crazy is that when I go to really good events (and its not un-normal for me to go to at least 2-3 events in one night), where I’m connecting with people and laughing, and have a great time, I get social withdrawal. It’s super weird.

Super weird because of how used I am to being by myself and taking care of myself and entertaining myself. So it feels weird to be in a state where I want to be around others.

The past week I had such a weekend, however the day after my night of fun, I had a horrible withdrawal. What was different want that I was at an event that was so low-key and i became so irritated that I didn’t do/plan something different. Mad that I just fell into a habit that was comfortable but did not serve the need I had. (Although to be fair, I didn’t really know I had the need till it came raging out of me.)

It was odd, I imagine the irritation and atypical rage I felt is similar to when a junkie get drugs that aren’t as strong as she would like. Understimulated.

I imagine this is why i like to play with fire, no I’m not talking about the real thing, although I do play with that. I’m talking about other, fun, firery things.

….

In November, I was referenced in a Reddit thread. It was nice to get the traffic. I was tired of my largest traffic spike coming from a Kim Kardashian photoshop picture. Even better was the thread being about how men are kind of dicks when it comes to dating. Ok, specifically nice guys being dicks. But the whole putting a woman on a pedestal and then the whole being a douche when she doesn’t meet some magical standard you’ve set (and maybe you never told her about) has got to stop.

I’m glad when something I’ve done empowers someone else. For me it’s the the strongest reason for writing.

….

The past weekend I went back to (Soto) Zen Temple. A friend wanted to attend but was feeling a bit scared by the idea of going so I took accompanied him there. Stayed during the explanations about bowing and mundras, the questions about koans and sitting and what not, through the Saturday morning lecture and pushed him to stay for the question-and-answer section that happens after every lecture.

He loved it, it helped him, the answer-and-question after the lecture especially. I loved it because it helped him. And my hope is that the freedom inherent in practicing Soto Zen helps him focus on being more flexible in his life and Buddhist practice. I think sometimes people get really wrapped up in the ideas promoted with certain schools of Buddhism and just forget that not everything is applicable all the time, nor should it be.

Or in other words, “Not always so.”

I was going to post the lecture but it’s not up yet. It’s kind of a rambling lecture, but it touches on letting go of certainties, doing nothing, listening to your body, self-fulfilling prophecies and more.

Anyhow maybe I’ll listen to some of the other lectures and post them up as I see fit.

Hey I found the lecture!
–not yet edited

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One thought on “Understimulated

  1. Pingback: Dharma Talk w/Q&A: Abbot Myogen Steve Stücky at SF Zen Center « Queens and Bees

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